Here’s three things this blog isn’t:

  1. Frequently updated
  2. Visited
  3. Captivating

I’m at peace with this. Minimalist design for a frankly minimalist blog. But those three attributes should pretty much spell “Advertising Poison.” Advertisers should avoid this site just as much as I avoid them. But a key exception is if you’re trying to game Google.

Enter Linkstar UK. I get an email from “Joseph” that makes it pretty clear that someone actually looked at this site for a few minutes, and wants my blog not despite the aforementioned conditions but because of them.

Some brief Googling turns up some interesting tidbits about Linkstar UK. My email lacks the concrete offer given to Ed, but contains the same bizarre “STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL” footer despite the fact that it’s unwarranted solicitation.

There’s also another, more investigative approach to Linkstar UK.

So no, I won’t do SEO. Sorry.

 

As I expect this to be the first of a veritable torrent of advertiser pleas to me, allow me to set forth my terms here to Linkstar as well as all future requests. I am beyond serious on these terms. As long as I do not find your product not morally reprehensible (e.g. eugenics or something), I will gladly agree to this.

  1. Any ad must be done by me in MS Paint, no exceptions. I may use Paint.NET at my sole discretion, but it implies no increase in ad quality. If you would like a sample, please see below an ad for a fictional product “EGGZ” (I also reserve the right to introduce the motto “Give it unto my mouth!” and/or the character “Mister Barnsworth” into the ad as appropriate. These will remain my intellectual property licensed to the advertiser for the sole purpose of the advertisement if so)
    SAMPLE ONLY - NOT A REAL PRODUCT. TEARS. 
  2. No amount of page views is promised or should be expected. In fact, if it is possible for your ad to somehow be viewed negative times (perhaps I travel back in time and kill my past self before making your ad, I dunno) then you should expect that.
  3. Fee is payable upon posting.

So Joseph, if you’re reading this, consider this my offer. I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
-Scott Parker

 

This blog post was written by Scott Parker and is considered EXTREMELY UNCONFIDENTIAL. So not-confidential, in fact, that it is solely licensed for public broadcast and performance. Any private readings of this by individuals or groups constitutes a violation of the citizenparker.com Terms of Service.